brian's version of my speech

[georion23]

i am running for geounion (the geology organization at rice) president.  i had to give a speech yesterday and brian decided to help.  he was feeding me lines to use in the speech for about 45 minutes while i was writing mine.  i didn't actually use any of his material, but i thought i'd post it here, as it really does need to be shared with the world.  brian enjoys turtles, the fact that i can pull on a thick texas accent if the situation calls for it, and austin powers.  and he calls geounion geo-onion.

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<Texan>HI!!</Texan> I'm Heather, and I approved this message.

Four score and seven years ago, turtles. We have nothing to fear but...turtles. I have a dream that one day, the sons of former turtles and the sons of former turtle owners shall be able to sit down together at a table of turtlehood.

Y'all bitches vote for me or you can suck it. We plead allignance, to the flakes, of the untitled snakes, of a merry cow. And to the republicans, for which they scam, one nacho, underpants, with licorice, and jugs of wine for owls. amen.

The details of my life are quite inconsequential.... Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize; he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament... My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon... luge lessons... In the spring, we'd make meat helmets... When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds — pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Wilma ritualistically shaved my testicles — there really is nothing like a shorn scrotum — it's breathtaking... I suggest you try it.

In order to have a more perfect Geo Onion, I feel we must first focus on the Onion.  And, later, worry about the Geo.  For without the Onion, we cannot have, the Geo. Ergo, I will therefore, henceforth pontificate on the importance...of said Onion.

Oh Onion, how I love thee, let me count the ways...1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.  My Onion-fu is far superior to her Onion-fu, and I am willing to take this to the streets!  I will rain down blows upon anyone who doesn't bear witness to my formidable onion-ocity!

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closing remarks may or may not come later.